Pulp Fiction in Chronological Order

  For all those of you who were confused by the Pulp Fiction storyline....and youz can thank me later :)  Cause you never can tell...

New York Speaks. Do YOU, PEGLEG?

Omg this is where to get our peg leg! Pirate outfit soon to be complete...Pirates of the Carribean style.

I'm a sandwich. EAT MY FACE OFF. Wait, not literally (too soon?)

  This made my night. Lmao

Hahahaha! Props to Joe dough in east village for this. Rob Zombie likes it too.

Dear Steve Jobs, Your Lordeth's Flight is Delayed

Your Lordeth’s flight back to heaven, er Steve Jobs empire in the sky, is delayed.  We are stuck on the stupid tarmac for HOURS and your lordeth is in mo fo COACH.  Steve, what the SHIT?  Your lordeth asked that you send the private jet (REMEMBER: our chariot driven by angels? HELLO?).  Did you forget???  Steve, your lordeth DOES NOT TRAVEL COACH you got that?  Cause I’m the lord and savior.  I SAVED YOU and the LEAST you could DO is book me in FIRST CLASS if you’re gonna forget send the goddam, er ME –Damn private jet.  Thou hath forsaken your lordeth and He is NONE TOO PLEASED.

Your lordeth does NOT LIKE being cramped in the middle seat next to two loud mouths one of which is eating BBQ ribs and stinking up the place, the other is snoring LOUDLY in my EAR.  In addition, Steve, you have displeased your lordeth greatly by booking him through Newark.  IT IS ALWAYS DELAYED and New Jersey SMELLS, Goddamit, er MEdammit.  Your lordeth avoids New Jersey like the plague, not to mention your toenails that are UNAVOIDABLE because YOU REFUSE TO CUT them, just to TAUNT me. I swear to God, er ME, the next time you scratch me with your too mo fo long toenails, I’m going ballistic, Steve.  You hog the bed, steal my pillows and scratch your lordeth ONE MORE TIME and He has HAD IT. 

Eternal damnation sound fun to you, does it?  Don’t TAUNT me Bro.

Your travel booking skills have left MUCH to be desired, Steve.  And as much as your Lordeth’s new iPad4 keeps him company on long flights back to heaven, er Steve Job’s empire in the sky, I’D BE THERE ALREADY if you woulda booked the private JET.

Your lordeth is signing off now to update His Facebook status to “DELAYED because of Steve Jobs”. 

Oh, and Steve, another warning for ya.  You MUST accept my Facebook friend request already, goddammit, er ME DAMMIT.  It’s been five weeks and I KNOW you are ignoring my request ON PURPOSE (I’m omniscient dumbass I know EVERYTHING).  Don’t TEASE me Bro.  You MUST accept my facebook friend request because I AM YOUR LORD AND CREATOR.  And YOU MUST like my status updates (except for THIS ONE BECAUSE IT SUCKS).  Steve, you like my delayed status and I swear to God, er ME, I will send you directly to hell.  Cause I’m the Lord, and I CAN.

Steve, as your lord and creator, I COMMAND you to assist Mark Zuckerberg in creating a DISLIKE button on Facebook.  SO THE WORLD (and YOU) can DISLIKE my current delayed as shit status that is YOUR fault.  I know, I know, Mark has come into billions with the recent IPO and he MAY be a little busy spending some of it.  But what I say GOES, because I’m YOUR and HIS CREATOR.  And if I knew one thing about computer code I’d CREATE a dislike button.  But I don’t.  So go forth, Steve Jobs and do what you do best.  Just DON’T BOOK MY TRAVEL EVERY AGAIN cause you SUCK at THAT.  And while you’re at it, cut your goddam, shit ME-DAMN toenails.  Dislike THIS?  Hint: YOU WILL.

Sincerely,

Your Extremely Annoyed Lord and Creator Stuck in COACH who’s gonna release his wrath on Steve Jobs if he EVER makes it back to heaven  

Disco Cacti. Ready to Party. 6/15 People. Join Us? Maybe?

Or at least CALL US, MAYBE?  Oh snap your daily dose of Call me Maybe...COMING AT YA!  Heals all souls, and changes lives...tho not necessarily for the better...

This guys got a pirate hat. Whachu got??

Lots o people going pirate these days. Not to mention zombie. Hope he updated Facebook status accordingly. Once you go pirate...

It's OK to be Mean When....

  Lmao maybe you should eat makeup so you can try and be pretty on the inside, bitch.  LOL Props to Xander for sharing!

I'm Gonna Crumb! I'm Gonna Crumb!

Dedicated to You. But You Weren't Listening.

A Simple Request: Occupy Your Irresponsibility. And Outsource Responsible Behavior to Someone More Responsible.

Occupy Your Irresponsibility.  And Outsource Responsible Behavior to Someone More Responsible. 

Cause we may as well face facts here.  We suck at acting responsibly.  And SOMEONE’S gotta do our laundry, house cleaning and grocery shopping while we’re brunching all afternoon on Sunday Fundays.  Just saying…Cause after all “What we are, are victims of fun…” Paul Oakenfold agrees.  

Welcome to your weekly update on the Occupy My Blog Movement on the MOVE. Moving on and on, to greener pastures and higher social status (Facebook status?) in the form of flesh eating Zombies (it’s in season people…see Florida and Maryland cannibalism for more details).  I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my fellow occupying Zombies for an occupation WELL DONE.  Together, we are changing the musical, hysterical, CANNIBAL, theoretical, physical and lyrical landscape as we know it.  And for that, we should be proud (young cannibals).  So give yourself a round of applause (not applesauce) for occupying my blog (and yourselves) so nicely.  You are making ALL the difference in this very important social movement.

However, I DO have one more simple request…to kick it up a notch in our collective Occupations: to Occupy Your Sense of Irresponsibility.  And outsource responsible behavior to someone more responsible.  Cause let’s face it.  We suck at acting responsibly.  May as well stick to what we’re good at (brunching morning, noon and night and twice on Sundays) and leave the responsible, adult behavior to someone capable of handling grown up responsibilities (your Mom?).  Cause your apartment is looking pretty rank these days.  Just saying. 

  

Yes, my fellow occupiers, I’d like you to answer this question honestly: when was the last time you vacuumed your floors or cleaned the bathtub?  Well?  Two weeks ago?  A month ago?  Can’t remember it’s been so long?  Yep, that’s what I thought.  And when WAS the last time you did laundry?  Have you resorted to BUYING new socks and underwear as opposed to actually taking the time to throw in a load and clean the PILES of clothes now occupying your bedroom, living room, kitchen and bathroom with reckless abandon?  If I had to guess, I’d say it’s a sorry state of affairs in the responsible behavior department.  And it’s time we admitted our incapacity to make responsible, adult choices.  And outsource those tasks to someone more responsible (cleaning service anyone?).  Cause the longer we leave those dishes occupying our sinks, the more and more likely that the blue green algae science experiment in your sink will overtake your apartment and later the world. (Little shop of horrors style)

Ever feel like it’s your personal mission to derail your own (not to mention your friends’) grown up goals and aspirations in favor of fun?  And by fun, I mean doing something completely and totally irresponsible like ditching your responsible Sunday afternoon of catching up on work at the office, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking dinner and whatever ELSE normal folks do on a Sunday for an excursion to Atlantic City to bet it all on Red (new black FYI).  Or how about Sunday Funday that includes absolutely EVERYTHING but what you (not to mention me) set out to do for the day in favor of hiking in the Catskills, per say?  Wanna go to Brighton Beach and indulge in Russian shmorgasborg of caviar, fish, borscht etc, not to mention VODKA?  Let’s make it happen, Captain.  Care to sleep that night?  Magic eight ball says highly unlikely.  Responsible behavior?  Better outsource that to someone more responsible, at least in our case, and quite likely yours if you happen to go along with our shenanigans.  Not that you won’t have FUN, but you can count on nothing productive coming out of the excursion, unless you count winning money at blackjack as productive, which I happen to, just saying.

  

My dear Occupiers, the bottom line is this: life really IS all about fun (contrary to what my esteemed father used to say).  And when YOU’RE having fun, I’M having fun and we’re both HAPPY.  Not in the sense of being drunk, stoned or any iteration of altered state (tho that’s not outside the realm of possibility).  No I’m talking picking your destiny (poison?) and just DOING it already.  Then helping youz deal wit the consequences.  Happiness facilitator at your service.  Help me help you succeed in your career and fail in your personal and professional life all day long.  I’m an expert.  At BOTH.  Do it ALL THE TIME.  If FUN isn’t part of your equation, it’s time to do some reconstruction of your situation, if I have any say in the matter (which I DO cause it’s my blog).  Cause when it stops being fun, what’s the fucking point? I can help.  Help me help you introduce FUN back into your current lifestyle.  And outsource those nagging responsibilities to someone capable of actually doing them.

BTW - FUN is based not ONLY on the ability to be spontaneous but also on the ability to FUND your FUN.  I mean, how can you gamble without any Benjamins to put down on the table?  Right?  So allow me to assist you in getting that job of your dreams, in order to fund your REAL dreams.  Whatever those dreams may be.   Dream on, dreamers.  And leave the rest to me.  You’re in good hands (with Allstate, or ME), guaranteed.  Cause I have a dream.  Of making dreams realities for both you and me.  One Sunday Funday at a time…pretending MONDAY doesn’t exist.

I mean, why not dare to have FUN again?  After all, we always have the next life to fuck up even worse than we did this one, RIGHT?  So go ahead, throw caution to the wind and enjoy yourselves in THIS life.  The next will be SURE to follow suit (especially if you’re playing poker and are trying for that royal flush).

 

Happy Occupying!  Over and out for now.  More updates to follow.