Dear Spain & Italy (Not to mention GREECE): Suck a Dick. AND CONTAIN YOURSELVES

Spanish, Italian Yields Leap Higher (AKA: SHIT HITTING FAN PEOPLE)

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By NICK CAWLEY and NEELABH CHATURVEDI

The euro-zone debt crisis deepened Tuesday as an ominous (dun dun dun) rise in Spanish government bond yields fanned speculation that the country might need a bailout of its own (BAILOUTS.  They're what's for dinner), just days after Spain said it would seek a support package for its beleaguered banking system.

The market turmoil spread to Italy (Godammit it's SPREADING.  Like the plague), the euro zone's third largest economy, where bond yields leapt ahead of a crucial bond sale later this week and weekend elections in Greece that could decide the country's fate in the common-currency region.

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The deepening gloom (and DOOM) surrounding Spain's creditworthiness could have grave implications. A bailout for the Spanish government would severely test the firepower of the euro area's rescue funds, leaving little money in the pot if Italy were to be shut out of bond markets. (Sucks...DICK...CHINA: please rescue Italy while Europe rescues Spain.  Deal???)

"It is quite likely that Spain needs a full bailout in the near future although policy makers will try all possible options to avoid this outcome, including a revival of bond purchases by the ECB as well as another three-year liquidity operation," said Pavan Wadhwa, global head of interest rate strategy at J.P. Morgan. 

Investor appetite for Spanish debt has waned in recent months, and foreign investors have remained on the sidelines as the sovereign's borrowing costs move ever closer to levels seen as unsustainable by the market. Fears that private bondholders will fall behind official creditors in the pecking order has served to undermine sentiment further and snuffed out any optimism following the planned bank bailout.

"The bottom line is that the [Spanish] bank bailout is a sovereign liability and will increase government debt by around 10% of GDP," analysts at Citigroup said in a note to customers. "Furthermore, if the funds come from the ESM [European Stability Mechanism] this will likely subordinate existing bondholders."

Dear Europe,

Suck a dick.  And CONTAIN YOURSELVES already.  Cause we are OVER your reindeer games of bailout round robin.  First Greece, then Spain, now Italy!  What the shit?  We've been  ASKING you nicely to contain yourself for months now.  Did you listen?  NO.  So NOW, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy, Europe.  Time to face the music that YOU NEED TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING to address the problem here.  

We propose a FUN game.  Of musical chairs.  Bailout roundrobin = OUT, Musical Chairs = IN

LOOK!  EUROPE!  FUN! Musical chairs!

Yep, time to pick a better game here.  A FUN one, Europe.  Not your shitty "hold the global markets hostage until you eventually decide to THINK about getting your shit together".  

Cause we're still getting over 2008.  Another financial crisis would push us collectively over the edge (literally).  Four years of therapy, DOWN THE DRAIN.  You should really consider picking up the tab for our therapy sessions, Europe.  Oh wait, you CAN'T.  Cause you're broke.  Dammit.  China?  Any help here??  From our friendly neighbor to the East?   Pretty please with a cherry on top???  We'll be your BEST FRIEND Forever and even throw in a friendship bracelet to prove it.

Sincerely, 

The United States of the World and Yo Motha XOXOXO

PS. Austerity still bites.  So does reality.  See below.