Serious Question: Are Dogs Secretly Taking Over the World?
May seem like an odd question to pose at first blush, but it
dawned on me today what a high level of influence dogs are now having on our
collective relationships with the opposite sex.
I have a number of reasons for coming to this realization. First and foremost, how many times have you
pondered getting back together with an ex because you missed the dog? I’d like an honest answer here. My guess is that you’ve at least considered
it once or twice. I, for one, am guilty
of this line of thought on occasion. Or, conversely,
how many times have you simply not been able to stand your girlfriend’s pet,
and said something along the lines of “it’s me or the dog”. At which time she probably chose the dog and
you were out in the cold.
Second, how many times have you considered adopting a puppy
to assist in your ability to pick up proverbial “chicks” (or “dudes”, I
suppose, but pretty sure this works better for picking up the ladies) I bet it’s crossed your mind at one point or
another. Again, be honest. How many have actually followed through with this
ill-conceived plan? Did it work? If I were to bet, I’d say, it probably did. And upon the inevitable breakup, who kept the
dog? Was it a bitter fight? Did she get
the dog, even though it was ultimately your idea and motivation to get the dog
in the first place? Again, I’d say the
most likely answer is, unfortunately, a resounding yes.
Given this backdrop, now assume that most couples have one
or more pets that they collectively share responsibility for in cohabitational living
situations. They are, in most respects, modern
day children. We walk them, we bathe
them, take them to doggie day care, read their report cards, brag about them to friends and family. We socialize them with play dates. We speak to them like they are able to understand
what we are saying…Who knows, maybe they do…But who cares, they provide unlimited amounts of
love and affection, appreciation, understanding and did I mention, love? These little creatures have captured our
hearts and souls, folks. Their
unconditional acceptance of us as human beings is what I believe is behind our
love affair with these furry animals.
However, the downside to this dynamic is that they now wield
much more power over our relationships then they had in even the recent past. They really have moved up the totem pole in terms of importance by leaps and bounds in recent years. We make decisions based not only the
relationship dynamic with our significant other, but also the dog! We can’t leave our dysfunctional relationship because <insert dog name
here> would miss us too much, or we’d miss them too much. Maybe both.
As the American population has more and more chosen to opt out of having
children, we’ve replaced them with dogs.
And they’ve become just as important in our decision-making processes. When meeting someone who might be a potential
love interest, you now have to consider not only if you would get along with said
person, but also if our dogs would be compatible. Would there be competition? Would they fight? Would there be an all-out brawl to reach
alpha dog status? If the answer is yes,
this might be cause to give you pause in continuing down the path with the
person in question. Why? Because we want our dogs to be as happy as
they make us on a daily basis. We
consistently put their needs before our own.
They have captured our hearts and minds, our very souls.
So, the question now becomes, is this inordinately high
level of “dog power” over the common man an accident, or by intelligent
design? At this point, the answer remains a mystery. However, some food for thought is one thing that I hadn't even mentioned yet, which is the fact that DOG spelled backwards is GOD. Coincidence? Doubt it. So the next time you kiss and hug
your furry friend, you might want to consider the fact that one day you’ll be
following them around the streets with plastic bags picking up their “sh@*t”
off the sidewalk…Oh wait, we already do that...The takeover of the human race is more advanced than previously
thought. God speed. Or maybe a more appropriate parting phrase,
in the parlance of our times, should say “DOG speed”.
All I can say is that I, for one, am definitely going to
hedge my bets by affixing the following bumper sticker to my car ASAP.
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